Technology Meets Therapy: How Digital Tools Are Transforming Modern Relationships | Brian Doss | #129
In today's digital age, couples have access to more relationship resources than ever before. But how do you know which ones are trustworthy and science-based? In a recent episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast, Dr. Brian Doss from the University of Miami shared insights about a powerful digital tool called "Our Relationship" that has helped tens of thousands of couples strengthen their connection.
Dr. Doss, a professor of psychology and co-founder of Our Relationship, has spent over 15 years developing this science-backed program. Unlike many relationship resources available online, Our Relationship has been continuously funded by the National Institutes of Health and rigorously tested with thousands of couples. The results speak for themselves – improvements not only in relationship satisfaction but also in mental health, physical health, sleep quality, and even parenting abilities.
The program is structured around a framework Dr. Doss calls "DEEP" – Differences, Emotions, External stress, and Patterns of communication. This framework helps couples move beyond the surface-level conflicts that often characterize struggling relationships and understand the deeper dynamics at play. Instead of simply pointing fingers at each other, couples learn to identify natural differences in personality or emotional expressiveness, recognize hidden emotions beneath the surface reactions, acknowledge the impact of external stressors, and identify unhealthy communication patterns that have developed over time.
One particularly fascinating aspect of the DEEP framework is the distinction between surface emotions and hidden emotions. In unhappy relationships, we often express secondary emotions like anger and frustration, while hiding our primary emotions such as hurt, loneliness, or feeling disconnected. By identifying and expressing these hidden emotions, couples can have more productive conversations that invite openness rather than defensiveness. After all, saying "that really hurt me" is more likely to elicit compassion than "I can't believe you did that to me!"
Dr. Doss also emphasized the importance of "invisible support" – those small acts of service we do for our partners before they even recognize they need help. Simple actions like doing the dishes before your partner notices they need to be done can significantly reduce stress and strengthen your connection. Similarly, expressing gratitude for your partner – not just for grand gestures, but for everyday actions like cleaning up the kitchen – can counterbalance negative perceptions and remind you why your relationship is worth working on.
Perhaps the most practical advice from Dr. Doss was about knowing when to engage with relationship issues versus when to let them go. While it's normal for couples to experience turbulence, persistent feelings of disconnection, constant arguments, or growing pessimism about the relationship are signs that something needs to change. Unfortunately, most couples wait years after serious problems develop before seeking help – making resolution much more difficult. Programs like Our Relationship provide a flexible alternative to traditional couples therapy, allowing partners to work through issues on their own schedule, with or without the guidance of a coach.
For those interested in strengthening their relationship through Our Relationship, there are free versions available for military families and qualifying households based on income. The program typically involves 8-10 hours of content and takes couples through a three-step process: identifying a relationship problem, understanding it deeper through the DEEP framework, and implementing tailored solutions. Whether you're engaged and preparing for marriage or facing serious challenges like infidelity, Our Relationship offers research-backed strategies to help you connect with your partner and build a stronger relationship.