Parenting Children 2-6: Establishing Rules
One of the most frustrating experiences for parents is when we create some rules in the house but then watch our kiddos not follow them and even ignore them!
Picture this: Your boss tells you that you need to finish up a report right away, so you rush to get it done. Then, when you take it to her, she puts it in a corner without looking at it and without saying anything and goes right back to what she was doing. But another day, when you haven’t finished a report within ten minutes of her asking, she comes back to your office wanting to know what’s taking so long. Pretty confusing, right?
Now, hopefully this scenario doesn’t happen to often at work, but sometimes we do a similar thing to our children! Even if they want to do what we want them to, it can be tricky to know what that is(and how important it is that they obey) if we don’t express ourselves in a helpful way and if we aren’t consistent in how we respond to their behavior.
So what can we do to help our kiddos listen to us and do what they need to? Here are a few things that can help:
Look at rules from your child’s point of view. When you tell them to do something –or to NOT do something –it can be pretty tricky for a child to figure out when you mean what you say and when you don’t! Sometimes, we might get pretty upset with them if they don’t obey right away, and other times, we don’t even notice if they follow directions or not. We might even leave before we can follow through at all!
For example, maybe sometimes you tell your daughter to stop teasing her sister but don’t do anything to help make sure that she does, while other times, you send her to her room when she doesn’t listen right away. That kind of inconsistency can be pretty confusing for kids!
Have you had experience with that? Maybe you’re at a friends house and you tell your children outside to start getting ready to go home, but then you talk for another 15 minutes, then tell them you’re going now. And then you talk for another 10 minutes. And then you yell at them for not getting in the car to go. Confusing right?
Also, keep in mind that they don’t always understand our reasons for what we want them to do, and doing things their own way (like running in the parking lot, or hitting someone who’s being mean to them) DOES make sense to them. So remember that children (and adults) do things for reasons that make sense to them. So acknowledging their emotions and reasons for how they act can be a great start to engaging their cooperation!
Make fewer rules that really matter and then stick to them! It’s hard for kiddos to learn to make choices for themselves if there are rules about every little thing, so prioritize what you actually make rules about. For example, we need to protect people, feelings, and property, but other things may not be such a big deal.
The second part of this, consistently sticking to those rules, is REALLY important because when kiddos see us enforce the rules that we make, they know that we’re serious about what we say and learn to respect those rules! But remember, we can enforce rules without raising our voice and losing our cool.
Enforce your rules in a kind way. I know it’s super hard sometimes, especially when you’re tired and stressed, but getting mad at your child and punishing them when they don’t listen doesn’t do any good long-term! It will probably distract them from the lesson you actually want them to learn and lead to them feeling resentful and discouraged.
So what does kind enforcement look like? Let’s say that you want your child to clean up their playroom but need some help to get started or keep going. Again, acknowledging their feelings can be a really helpful start. You could say something like, “I can tell it’s really hard for you to stop playing, and you don’t like cleaning up!”
Then, you can get creative and make it into a game, sing a silly song, or find a way to put the child in charge. You can offer a choice (“Do you want to put the blocks away first or box up the dolls?”), give information (“Wrappers go in the trash.”), describe how you feel (“I feel frustrated when I see a messy room.”), describe what you see (“I see Legos in the corner!”), or just say it with a word (point and say, “Legos!”).
Acknowledge when they do what you ask with specific praise and gratitude and let them know that you’ve noticed when they haven’t listened!
Keep the big picture in mind. Yes, using this kind of approach can take a lot of effort and time, but it helps you maintain that healthy parent-child connection, which helps them be more open to direction and correction. It can also spare you a lot of battles and hard feelings, and teaches kids good lessons in the long run! It takes practice, and you won’t be perfect at it, but taking baby steps in the right direction is worth it!
So those are my parenting tips for helping your kids listen to and obey rules:
Recognize and remember that it can be confusing to your child when you’re inconsistent with enforcing rules;
Make and enforce rules that matter;
Enforce your rules in a kind way;
Keep the big picture in mind.
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