Love and Constructive Conflict | Dr. Chad Ford | #34
On today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit down with Chad Ford, author of the book Dangerous Love, to discuss some tips and tools about
how we can change the conflict patterns within our relationships.
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Chad Ford?
2:50 – What is dangerous love?
4:57 – Dangerous love demands fearlessness; choosing love over fear
6:16 – Fearlessness is being vulnerable without guarantee that your partner will be too
8:49 – Nothing about conflict will change until we change
11:10 – “Us-preservation” instead of self-preservation
14:52 – You don’t have to agree to come up with a solution that works for the both of you
17:15 – Dangerous love is meeting people where they’re at & finding a way forward together
19:06 – Conflict doesn't happen to us; we’re part of a pattern in conflict
21:25 – Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive; great relationships include conflict
23:06 – Change without guarantee that your partner is going to change
25:58 – Turn to see your partner because it’s the right thing to do
27:50 – If I were to give my whole heart to my partner, what would it occur to me to do?
29:04 – Fear is what keep us from giving our whole hearts
32:32 – Fairness and connectedness are not the same thing
33:58 – In a great marriage is harmony; you can’t harmonize with yourself
35:44 – Chad’s takeaway: conflict isn’t impossible, there's always something you can do
36:24 – Liz’s takeaway: we need each other in growing and developing and embracing conflict
37:00 – Dave’s takeaway: slowing down to see things from their perspective creates vulnerability, compassion, and this new awareness.
About Chad Ford
Chad Ford has been living five lives simultaneously for nearly 20 years. He’s been an international conflict mediator, a college professor, a senior consultant and facilitator for the
Arbinger Institute, an executive board member for PeacePlayers and a writer, analyst and entrepreneur covering the NBA and NBA Draft for ESPN. After completing a Master’s degree in conflict analysis and resolution from George Mason University and a Juris Doctorate from Georgetown University Law School in 2000, Chad was poised to begin his career as a conflict mediator and facilitator. At BYU-Hawaii, Chad created a major and certificate program in intercultural peacebuilding, mediation and facilitation. Chad and his wife Amanda, who teaches courses in family conflict transformation and mindfulness, have worked with thousands of students from over 90 countries in the world. Chad’s work has earned him Professor of the Year honors at BYU-Hawaii and made Intercultural Peacebuilding one of the most popular programs on campus.
Chad Ford Links:
Insights and Invites
Insights
Chad: If I want something to change, it starts with me.
Dave: Heed and answer to that inner call to connect.
Liz: Marriage is the ultimate self improvement project.
Invites
Instead of waiting for your partner to change, recognize the part you play in conflict and seek to change it without any guarantee that your partner will do the same. You may find that your partner’s response to your change is exactly what you hoped.
Examine whether there is contempt in your relationship. If you “horibilize” your partner by objectifying them and only seeing their faults and their weaknesses, you might be guilty of contempt.
Ask yourself, “ If I were to give my whole heart to my partner, what would it occur to me to do?”. Be still and then heed that inner call to connect.
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