Using The Parenting Pyramid

Did you know that the foundation for positive parenting starts with being a happy positive person?

The principles and structure of this pyramid affect our personal lives, our marriage, and even how we parent our children.

I’m super excited to share some principles and concepts from the Parenting Pyramid, which was originally developed by the Arbinger Institute.

As parents, many of us get caught up in the trap of spending too much time threatening and disciplining our kiddos and correcting them when things go wrong. We spend money and countless hours reading books about ways to discipline and punish children or learning about natural and logical consequences for misbehavior.

Many of the questions I get as a professor and family life educator are, “Dr. Dave, what do I do when my child doesn’t clean up their room? Or talks back? Or sneaks out?” Now, all of these are important questions. And there are answers. But these are questions about what to do when things go wrong. The positivity pyramid asks an additional question, that is, “How do I help things go right?”

So this model focuses primarily on helping things go right, rather than spending most of the time figuring out what to do when children misbehave. I’ve made some other videos that tackle those topics.

At the top of this pyramid is Correction. The effectiveness of our correction as parents, no matter what method or skills that are used, will always depend on the effectiveness of our prior teaching.

This is because the better parents teach their children, the less correction is needed, and when it is needed, it will be a natural extension of their teaching. So rather than seeing children as ungrateful, disobedient burdens who require correction, parents can view them instead as children who have not learned yet. In other words, the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time Teaching than correcting.

For example, as parents we want to teach our children that rules are important. One rule might be no hitting. Well, young kiddos have a tough time controlling their emotions. When they don’t get what they want and get upset, they may hit. So as parents, we can help by talking quietly and holding or rocking an upset child until they calm down.

We can remind them that hitting hurts others and then teach better ways to act when frustrated. I’ll go much deeper in other videos, but the principle we need is to be more loving and patient teachers as we give direction to our children, AND offer correction and guidance when needed.

However, no matter how much time a parent spends teaching, the fact is that children are less likely to learn from parents that they do not like. The third layer of the pyramid, the Parent-Child Relationship, suggests that parents should spend more time developing a strong and loving relationship with their children, especially if our teaching and correction is not working.

For example, think about a person that really bugs you, and they try to correct you or teach you. How open are you to their teaching or correction? If you don’t like someone, it’s difficult to be open to their influence. The same principles hold true for parenting.

In other words, the effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship with our children. So the best investment of our time as parents, is in building and strengthening this connection, and then they will be more open to your teaching and correction.

I like to say, it’s Connection, then Direction, then Correction. In that order.

And beneath the Parent-Child Relationship is the Marriage or Couple Relationship. For parents who are separated or divorced, it may be the co-parenting relationship, or this level may not apply if you’re not in a couple relationship.

But the science shows that when things are going well in our marriage, we tend to be more warm and patient in our relationships with our children. The opposite is also true. When there is stress and fighting in the marriage, it often spills over into our other relationships.

So what’s underneath the marriage or couple relationship? Research shows that most happy and healthy relationships consist of Happy, Healthy Individuals. It’s not difficult to imagine that children and our spouse might have a hard time wanting to build a relationship with someone who is cranky, crabby, and critical. So when we’re doing well in our personal lives –mental health, managing stresses, building positivity and so on, we’re more pleasant to be around.

So to summarize, think about parenting and relationships from the ground up. Focusing on how you are doing personally –diet, sleep, exercise, positivity, friends and so on. This will influence your couple and parent-child relationships. When a strong relationship is shared, children are more open to teaching and correction.

So if you’re looking to improve your relationships, remember to start with the bottom and work up.

Please take a second to subscribe, like, and share the video with others. I’m on a mission to help parents as we find happiness in this parenting journey.