5 Steps To Improve Emotion Coaching Your Kids
Do you ever feel like you are playing the role of referee while your kids argue, complain, and yell at each other?
In today’s Thrive In Five Blog, I’ll share 5 easy steps help you emotion coach your children and reveal the times when we need to play the role of referee, coach, and the fan in the stands.
Parenting is one of the most exhausting and rewarding experiences we’ll ever have in this life. And yes, sometimes we feel like all we do is play the role of referee with the arguments and name calling. I totally get it!
So let’s talk about referees. The purpose of a referee in most sports is to keep the players safe and make sure the rules are followed. And sometimes as parents we need to play this role. But let’s talk about what a referee doesn’t do. A referee should never yell at or shame a player for violating the rules. In fact, in basketball, if someone takes too many steps and travels, the ref doesn’t shake his head and tell the player to get his head in the game and remind him he can’t take three steps. He simply blows the whistle, makes things right, which might mean giving the ball to the other team, AND his goal is to get the game going as quickly and safely as possible. When we play the role of referee as parents, our goal should be the same thing–no yelling, and get things back going again after administering natural consequences.
There are other times as parents we need to play the role of coach, which is teaching the fundamentals, planning and preparing, even sitting players when they need a rest or need to calm down, and making decisions strategically. Coaches even help players to become better by pointing out what they did well, giving encouragement, and doing more teaching when they can see room for improvement.
And finally, as parents, sometimes we play the role of the fan in the stands. The role of fans is to cheer and show support, even during rough times.
It’s not easy to balance those 3 roles as parents, but all 3 are important and important to do well.
So let’s dive a bit deeper into the coaching, or teaching role as parents. Before any effective teaching is done, it’s so important to establish a positive loving relationship with your children. Assuming that is there, these next 5 steps of emotion coaching may be helpful.
But first, why emotions? Well that’s really what makes us human. A wise parenting expert once said, “Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel.” That’s what we do.
I know it’s really tempting when your child is angry or really sad to dismiss or disapprove of emotions with words like “There’s no reason to be so angry.” Or, “Don’t be such a wimp, quit your crying!” It’s important to realize that all feelings and wishes are acceptable but not all behaviors are acceptable.
Be aware of your child’s emotions. This may sound simple, but it’s critical to be in tune with what your child is feeling in a given situation. Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and gestures.
Recognizing emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching. It may not be in the heat of the moment, in fact, science shows that children aren’t open to much of your teaching when they are experiencing a strong emotion. But sometimes emotional times are times to connect, whether it’s a hug or putting your arm around a frustrated child.
Learn to listen with empathy and validate their feelings. And it goes hand in hand with the fourth step, which is labeling their emotions with words. Whether a child is sad because he fell down and skinned his knee, or upset because she has to go to bed. The key is reflecting their feelings without any kind of problem solving at first.
Label their emotions with words. The key is reflecting their emotions without worrying about problem solving. Labeling feelings and emotions helps your child identify their feelings and learn to process them without being high-jacked by the emotions.
Set limits and problem solve. Limits include things like not hitting or yelling at others and then problem solving could include asking them what they think should happen next.
Let’s see how these 5 steps work in an example. I remember one time our son got off the school bus and came home and was crying because of a scuffle he got into on the bus. Immediately we recognize his anger and tears and we listen to what happened. We said things like, “Wow, I’m sure you were really mad and wanted that boy to move off your seat?” As he talked, he became more emotional and we just hugged him and told him we were so sorry. Later, after he had calmed down a bit, then we problem-solved with him with questions like, “when that happens again, what do you think you should do?” and we worked things out.
Parenting is tough and often we will find ourselves playing the role of referee, fan in the stands, and as the coach, trying to help them manage their emotions and feelings. Try using these 5 steps to help your child manage their emotions and live a happier heathier life.
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