The Art of New Parenthood: Protecting Your Relationship While Welcoming Baby | Joni Parthemer | #123
Dr. Liz and Dr. Dave welcome Joni Parthimer, education director for the Gottman Institute's Bringing Baby Home program, to discuss how couples can maintain a strong relationship while navigating the challenges of new parenthood.
Chapters:
0:00 - Introduction
01:21 - Welcome
02:12 - How Did The Program Come To Be?
07:02 - How Did You Get Involved?
09:36 - Results of The Study
14:28 - Preparing for Parenthood
20:57 - For Both Parents To Be
23:32 - Emotional Attunement for Children: CPR
26:48 - The New Role For Grandparents
29:38 - Support and Boundaries for New Grandparents
33:31 - The Key To A Stronger Marriage Connection
36:05 - Joni's Resources
38:03 - Joni's Takeway
39:36 - Liz Takeaway
40:00 - Dave's Takeaway
41:02 - Closing
Key Points:
• Research shows 67% of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction after becoming parents
• Three key ingredients for relationship success: maintaining friendship, respectful conflict regulation, and creating shared family meaning
• The NURSE framework helps new parents prioritize self-care: Nutrition, Understanding support needs, Rest/Resources, Soul-feeding activities, and Exercise
• CPR parenting (Consistent, Predictable, Responsive) builds emotional security for infants
• Babies communicate through non-verbal cues and states of consciousness from birth
• Understanding infant development helps parents respond appropriately to their needs
• Grandparents play an evolving role and should ask what support looks like for each family
• Creating a postpartum plan before baby arrives helps the transition for everyone involved
• The greatest gift parents can give children is a healthy relationship between themselves
• The "family fish tank" metaphor reminds us children are only as healthy as their family ecosystem
InDepth
The transition to parenthood represents one of life's most profound and challenging experiences for couples. As revealed in the enlightening conversation with Joni Parthimer, an internationally certified childbirth educator and director of the Bringing Baby Home program at the Gottman Institute, approximately two-thirds of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents. This startling statistic underscores the crucial importance of preparing couples not just for childbirth, but for the relationship changes that inevitably follow.
The Gottman Institute's research has identified three key ingredients that comprise what Parthimer calls "the secret sauce" of healthy, sustaining relationships during the transition to parenthood. Couples who maintained or strengthened their relationships after having children focused first on maintaining their friendship. They stayed attuned to each other's lives, expressed appreciation for their partner's contributions, and engaged in positive micro-interactions throughout everyday life. Second, these successful couples practiced respectful conflict regulation, acknowledging that living with another person inevitably brings disagreements. The critical difference was how they approached these conflicts—with respect, and importantly, with the ability to repair after missteps. The third vital ingredient was creating an intentional family legacy, keeping in touch with each other's dreams and collective goals while establishing meaningful connections.
The Bringing Baby Home program translates these research findings into practical workshops for couples. Research on program participants revealed remarkable results: couples who completed the 12-hour workshop showed stable relationship quality compared to control groups, exhibited less hostility and increased affection during conflicts, and demonstrated better co-parenting cooperation. Perhaps most surprisingly, mothers who participated showed significantly fewer signs of postpartum mood disorders, while fathers experienced reduced depression and anxiety. Even the babies benefited, showing fewer language delays at one year of age and more positive responses to parental soothing efforts.
Parthimer shared a particularly valuable framework for new parents called NURSE—a practical acronym to help mothers and fathers prioritize self-care after bringing baby home. N stands for nutrition, emphasizing the importance of planning ahead for nourishment when time becomes scarce. U represents understanding what support looks like for each family, including setting appropriate boundaries with well-meaning friends and relatives. R covers both rest and resources, acknowledging the reality of sleep deprivation while encouraging parents to identify helpful community resources. S addresses soul or spirit, reminding new parents to nurture their individual identities beyond parenthood. Finally, E stands for exercise, highlighting the physical and mental health benefits of movement, even if it's just a walk outside with baby in tow.
For building emotional connection with infants, Parthimer introduced the concept of CPR parenting—being Consistent, Predictable, and Responsive. This approach helps babies develop security and trust by consistently meeting their needs. She emphasized that contrary to old myths, it's impossible to "spoil" an infant, as they lack manipulative skills and cry only to communicate genuine needs. Understanding infant states of consciousness, recognizing non-verbal cues, and appreciating the importance of physical touch are all crucial elements in building strong parent-child bonds from the beginning.
The role of grandparents has evolved significantly over time, shifting from primarily sources of wisdom and family history to more active participants in their grandchildren's lives. Parthimer advises that the best support grandparents can offer is to ask their adult children what support looks like for their specific family. She uses the metaphor of a mobile to describe family dynamics—when a baby enters the picture, the entire system must recalibrate, and grandparents become another important piece of this delicate balance. Rather than imposing their own parenting styles or taking over, effective grandparents contribute commitment, compassion, and connection while respecting the parents' boundaries and choices.
About Joni:
Joni Parthemer, M.Ed., is a Master Trainer and Education Director for the Bringing Baby Home Program. She is a certified Childbirth Educator and faculty member at Bastyr University’s Simkin Center, specializing in birth and family education at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle.
An award-winning speaker and consultant, Joni brings decades of experience, authenticity, and wit to her work with families and educators. She has developed and published training materials to support family and community growth. Married with two children, she is passionate about helping families thrive.
Insights:
Joni: “A child's well-being is deeply influenced by the health of their family environment. The best gift parents can give their children is a strong, healthy relationship—whether married, divorced, or co-parenting. Parents serve as role models for future relationships, shaping how their children connect with others. By maintaining friendship, managing conflict with respect, and creating shared meaning through family rituals, couples can build a supportive and nurturing "family fish tank" that fosters lasting emotional security.”
Liz: “The CPR approach—Consistency, Predictability, and Responsiveness—is not just valuable for parenting but also strengthens all relationships, including marriage and friendship. By being reliable, steady, and attentive, we create trust and connection in our most important relationships.”
Dave: “Education is key to growth. With so many resources available today, we have endless opportunities to learn and improve as partners, parents, and individuals.”
Visit jptrainsandspeaks.com to learn more about Bringing Baby Home workshops and resources for expectant parents and grandparents. Email Joni at joni.parthemer@gmail.com with questions.