Hidden Toll: How Conflict & Divorce Impact Children | Jenet Erickson | #124
Dr. Liz and Dr. Dave welcome Dr. Janet Erickson to discuss the profound impact of marriage on children and families, exploring how parental relationships shape child development and identity formation.
#marriagepodcast #conflictmanagement #conflictresolution #parentingtips
Chapters:
0:00 - Introduction
04:22 - Marriage and it's effect on children
10:48 - Divorce and it's impact on children
17:13 - High Conflict vs Abusive Relationships
23:06 - Gray Divorce and Adult Children
28:40 - Building Healthy Marriages Despite Family History
34:02 - From Loving without knowing to Intimacy
39:22 - Being Seen, Known, and Loved
Key Points:
• Strong marriages create a sense of wholeness, identity, and belonging for children
• Research consistently shows divorce has significant impacts on children of all ages
• Children of divorce often face existential questions about their identity and place
• Adult children of divorce can overcome challenges by witnessing healthy marriage models
• A "good enough" marriage is worth fighting for, though abusive relationships warrant separation
• Marriage involves a journey from "loving without knowing" to "being seen, known, and loved"
• Maintaining family rituals provides stability during transitions
• Personal growth and self-awareness are crucial for healthy relationships
• Happiness ultimately comes from deep connection with others
InDepth
The impact of marriage on children's lives is profound and far-reaching, as highlighted in our conversation with Dr. Janet Erickson. Recent research continues to affirm what many have suspected: the foundation of a stable marriage significantly influences a child's development, regardless of socioeconomic background. As Erickson notes, even in our era where divorce is common, the effects on children remain substantial and long-lasting.
One of the most striking insights from our discussion was the existential questions children face during parental separation. Dr. Erickson shared a powerful anecdote about a 10-year-old boy who, after learning of his parents' impending divorce, drew a heart with a jagged line down the middle. Around this broken heart, he wrote questions that revealed the deep internal struggle: "Where do I go? Who am I? How will this be better?" This imagery powerfully illustrates how divorce creates an identity crisis for children who physically embody their parents' union.
The concept of "exile" emerges as a common experience for children of divorce. These children must navigate between two separate worlds rather than enjoying the wholeness that comes from having both parents create a unified environment. As Dr. Erickson explained, her husband, whose parents divorced when he was young, had to traverse between different homes with different books, toys, and activities—a responsibility that children in intact families don't shoulder. This separation creates a fundamental challenge to a child's sense of belonging and identity.
However, Dr. Erickson also emphasized that remaining in highly conflictual or abusive marriages can be equally damaging to children. The constant exposure to conflict affects children's physical health, sleep patterns, and emotional development, often leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms that persist into adulthood. The key distinction lies in what Bill Doherty, Dr. Erickson's advisor, called a "good enough marriage"—one that may have challenges but remains worth fighting for.
For adults who experienced parental divorce in childhood, there's hope in breaking the intergenerational cycle. Exposure to healthy marriages provides valuable modeling, and personal growth work helps overcome the instinctive fear that conflict means imminent relationship dissolution. When these adults enter marriages, they often need reassurance from partners that disagreements don't signal the end of the relationship but are opportunities for growth.
Perhaps most profound was Dr. Erickson's description of the marriage journey: "You enter marriage and you love without knowing... And then, within a short time, you're knowing and you're not sure you love... But where you're headed is intimacy, and intimacy is seeing and knowing and loving, and being seen and being known and being loved." This progression from infatuation to true intimacy represents the deeper purpose of marriage beyond mere happiness.
The research is clear: when parents prioritize their relationship health, children benefit tremendously. Maintaining family rituals during difficult transitions, modeling healthy conflict resolution, and demonstrating self-awareness all contribute to children's sense of security. As Dr. Erickson quoted from the 75-year Harvard study: "Happiness is love, full stop." We are designed for deep connection, and though relationships will always present challenges due to our differences, they remain worth the effort because they fulfill our fundamental human design for love.
Takeaway
"We are relational beings and relationships are worth it, and this is the essence of life. Happiness is love full stop, and our ability to love and to be in loving relationships is worth the growth. It will take growth. It's going to take change in all of us, but that's what we're born for. It's what we desire more than anything."