Parenting Children 2 - 6: Dealing With FEAR

So if you have young children, you’ve probably had plenty of experiences where they’ve been scared. Whether it’s a dog, a roller coaster, strangers, a scary movie, or even the dark in their own room. All children have fears and did you know many of our fears are actually learned by the responses we see others have to things, like spiders, mice, and snakes. They scream? We’re scared!

First, it’s important to point out right up front that it’s completely normal for children to have fears, just as it’s normal for us as adults to have things we’re afraid of.

So they need our help to learn how to respond to it in healthy ways. So what can we do? Here are some tips:

1. Try to look at things from your child’s perspective. Remember that they’re young, constantly doing new things, and still getting to know the world around them. It can be a pretty scary place! They’re also just learning to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions, and they need our help to do that in a healthy way.

   Sometimes we might tell our kiddos to just stop being afraid. We might say things like, “Calm down!” or “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” and this actually isn’t very helpful! In fact, it can make it HARDER for kids to manage this already difficult emotion because they feel confused, like they’re feelings don’t matter, or like there is something WRONG with them for having feelings like fear. Which is just plain not true! Fear is a completely normal emotion. Again, we all have it. What matters is how we RESPOND to it. Giving in to fear and letting it take over isn’t helpful –but neither is trying to ignore or bottle it up.

2. Help your child feel safe. You can do this by holding them when they are frightened and LISTENING when they talk about their fears. Listening without judging them, without telling them that their fears are silly or anything like that –it can be a huge help in them learning to sort out what’s going on in their head and walk through what they’re feeling. Whether they’re afraid of going down the drain with the bathwater, being eaten by a mean-looking grasshopper, or having a monster in their closet, remember: their fears might seem silly to YOU, but they’re very real to THEM.

   When kids are toddlers, they might be afraid of things like loud noises, bugs, falling, or a dark bedroom. And the thought of you leaving them is pretty scary, too! Then as they get older, they notice more about the world around them and develop the ability to think in terms of symbols. They’ve probably had a few scary or painful experiences, and their imagination is getting more and more intense.

   With all of that swirling around in their minds, it can be tricky for them to piece apart what is REAL and what is only in their imagination. So things like monsters or ghosts may not seem like “just pretend” to them. And, of course, they hate the thought of getting lost or losing their mom or dad! They need to learn to sort out what’s real and what’s not, which takes a while, and they need your help to be brave as they learn.

   Another way you can help them feel safe is to help them see that it’s NORMAL to worry about things or be afraid sometimes. You could tell them about what you were afraid of at their age and what helped you.

3. Help your child think of ways to cope with their fears. Maybe you could help them turn scary situations into funny ones if their imagination is running wild. If they’re imagining the bad guy from a movie coming to get them, help them picture them slipping on a floor covered in butter and falling head-first into a pie or something. Or you could create a “monster spray” to spritz under the bed at nighttime. Or you can help them learn to take deep breaths or sing a song when they get scared.

   It’s also good to give your kiddo opportunities to face their fears without FORCING them to do something they’re not ready for. Help them lean into the fear and ease into something that will help them “stretch” a bit. For example, if you’re at an amusement park and the thought of going on the huge rollercoaster with big loops has your child close to tears, you could say, “That’s okay, it can be pretty scary to try things like that. How about we do the smaller rollercoaster for now and we can think about the one with the loops another time?” The smaller ride might still be a challenge for them, but it can be a more manageable step than jumping all the way to the big one.

4. Be on your child’s team. What does that mean? Well, it would include comforting and reassuring them all along the way as they learn to face their fears. Gently remind them that, yes, it’s hard, but you believe that they will learn to overcome their fears. And point out when they do face or overcome a fear so they can learn from their success. Tell them how proud you are!

Well, those are my tips for today:

1. Look at the world through your child’s eyes and remember that it’s not helpful to tell them to just “not be afraid;”

2. Help them feel safe by holding them, listening to them, and letting them know that it’s normal to get scared sometimes;

3. Help them come up with ways to cope with fears; and

4. Be on their team.

When our children experience tough emotions like fear, it can be an opportunity for us to bond with them and help them learn how to “walk through” and manage them on their own in healthy ways.

Take a second to like, share, and leave a comment about what you do when your children are scared. And be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out on any of the videos for parents.