Parenting Children Ages 2 - 6: Tug Of War

As parents of little kids, how many times per day do we say things like, “Don’t touch that!” “It’s time to be done”, or“ Let me help you.” And what’s their common response? “NO!” We’re just trying to help, so why do they have to be so stubborn?

One of the trickiest parts of being a parent is finding a balance between letting them become their own person, with stepping in to help or direct your child. On the one hand, we need to let them learn and grow from making their own choices and trying new things. But on the other hand, we absolutely need to provide limits and guidance for our kiddos; we can’t just let them do whatever they want, right!?

Can you imagine if they actually did?! They would probably eat candy and ice cream for every meal, and they would never take a bath or go to bed! They’re still learning what is and isn’t okay when they interact with other people, what is and isn’t safe, and so many other things. So, sometimes we need to tell them “no” –and sometimes they tell us “no!” and do whatever they want to! Ugh! So frustrating, right?

So how can parents deal with this tug-of-war? Well, here are a few tips that can help:

1. Consider the “why” behind the “no!” For example, if a child refuses help getting dressed, it might be because he wants to show you how much he can do on his own. Or if she doesn’t want to eat the plate of food you made for her, maybe she wants to feel like she gets to choose what she eats for herself!

   Keep in mind that your child isn’t trying to be rebellious or disrespectful when they want to do things their own way. What you might see as stubbornness is probably just them learning to become their own person! They’re not a baby anymore, so gone are the days of you doing everything for them. And that’s a good thing right, right?

   Of course, they still may not be very good at a lot of things, like taking baths, getting dressed, or putting things away. But they want to learn to do more things by themselves, and we need to remember that that growing independence doesn’t mean they’re a bad kid! That doesn’t mean we give them free reign, of course, but acknowledging their feelings can be a great start to them being more willing to work with you. One parenting expert put it this way, “we need to help them get what they want, in ways that we feel good about.” I like that!

2. Give your kiddos safe choices and let them explore. It can be really tempting to try to keep your child in a bubble so they’re safe –and so they don’t hurt anything or anyone else! But they’ll never learn and grow like they need to if they don’t get to make choices and try new things!!

   So, of course you need to keep dangerous things away from them. Chemicals, sharp knives, all of that –keep it locked away and out of reach. But at the same time, you need to provide them with safe toys they can play with, and to offer them choices that both of you are okay with such as, “Do you want to brush your teeth first, or put your pajamas on first?” “Would you like carrots with your sandwich or grapes?” Simple choices empower children.

   If you aren’t sure how to balance limits and choices for a tug-of-war situation, try involving your child in the problem-solving process! Acknowledge their feelings, explain why something needs to change, and ask for their ideas of what to do. For example, you could say, “You really like choosing your own clothes in the morning. The problem is, that can take a long time and make us late for school! We need some ideas.” Then write down everything you two can think up and identify the ideas that both of you like.

3. Get creative. What works with one thing to help your child cooperate might not work with a different struggle. You can try being playful–for example, pretending that their socks can talk so they want to get dressed–or putting them in charge of a task, like setting a timer for taking turns with toys. There are lots of different things you can try, and it might seem exhausting, but isn’t it just as exhausting to argue with or try to force your kiddos to do what you want?

4. Bonus tip with this one: Remember that if you make too many rules for your kiddos, they’ll feel like they can’t do anything, which can make the situation even harder for both of you! Prioritize protecting people, feelings, and property, and maybe see what you can let go of from there. And when it comes down to it and you just need to stop something they’re doing, do so directly, without insulting them or attacking their character.

So those are my tips for those parent-child tug-of-wars: First, identify and validate the emotion behind the “no!”; second, offer safe choices, let them explore, and don’t make too many rules; and third, get creative with inviting their cooperation.

Remember: Your child probably isn’t trying to be a pain, even if it really may seem like it sometimes! They’re just trying to grow up! And, as I’ve said before, if you maintain a positive CONNECTION with your child, they are MUCH more likely to be open to your direction and correction. So try to keep that in mind.

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