How an Outward Mindset will Improve Your Relationships
Today I will share with you what an Outward Mindset is and how it will improve your relationships.
If you’ve been in a romantic relationship for even just a few months, you’ll probably agree that all relationships have their ups and downs. We ALL go through tough times
.And a lot of times we’ll search online or ask a friend for some advice, some help, and we just want a quick fix –or a Band-Aid to help things get better quickly.
But it may be surprising to hear that many relationship and marriage problems are not about lacking skills. Many communication problems are not because we don’t know HOW to talk with each other—it’s because we simply don’t feel like it, or don’t trust the person with our feelings. Many marriage programs focus too much on specific behaviors, words, or phrases to use when talking with our partner.
But many struggles are much deeper than behavior. Just like there is much more to a car than how it looks on the outside. One organization, called The Arbinger Institute, has developed numerous resources and books related to the idea that we get into trouble when we view others as objects, instead of people. And they refer to this as having an Inward, rather than an Outward Mindset.
Now, an Outward Mindset is more than a belief about yourself. It’s about how you see the world and circumstances, opportunities, and challenges and ultimately how you see other people. So our behavior is always a reflection of how we see situations and possibilities.
Let me give you a real example. When I was in graduate school we had a baby who would wake up sometimes at night. One night I was stressed about an exam that I had stayed up late studying for.
About 3 in the morning I heard our baby on the monitor start to make some noise. My first thought was, get up and go put the binky in before she starts to really cry. But, I ignored it. Essentially, I betrayed my first thought of what I felt I should do.
Well she started crying harder but I held still, pretending like I was asleep. But that wasn’t all. Inside I went to battle with my wife. I started to get frustrated with her for not getting up with our baby. In fact ,I started coming up with all kinds of rational reasons why I should sleep and why she should get up.
Well my frustration grew. Pretty soon, I was thinking about how insensitive my wife was. Doesn’t she know I have an important exam later today and I need my sleep? Finally my wife woke up and put the binky in and our baby fell back to sleep, and so did my wife, but I was furious. Still lying there faking it, I couldn’t believe how careless my wife was and how dare she fall right back to sleep. Why did I marry this woman??
Isn’t it interesting how the moment I betrayed my feeling to get up is the very moment I saw my wife as an object, an inconsiderate object, and not as a person.
It’s clear now, looking back, that I didn’t have an outward mindset at all. With an inward mindset, I’m only thinking about what’s best for me. And in most arguments, both people turn inward, get defensive, and it’s tough to see the other person’s perspective. Instead, we see them as an object –someone we have to change, convince, or remove, so we can be right.
So the effectiveness of relationship skills and behaviors often depend on our own mindset. What happens is when we see others differently, we begin to think and behave differently. We see them as a person to love, who has hopes and dreams.
In other words, no amount of skills or behaviors you learn from books, programs, or therapists will make an ounce of difference unless we get our hearts right. Let me put it this way, you will likely act differently TO your spouse, children, or co-workers to the extent that you actually feel differently ABOUT them, regardless of what new skills or behavior you use.
There is a pattern for those who have an outward mindset, and it is this:
Partners with an outward mindset are able to see the needs, objectives, and challenges of their partner. AND then they adjust their efforts to be more helpful to them. When you have an outward mindset and you view your spouse or partner as a person, not as an object, then you really want to discover their needs, objectives, and challenges and then respond according to what you discover.
The key is really humility. When we have an outward mindset, we see that others matter just like we ourselves matter.
So when you are feeling frustrated with another person, it may be helpful to ask yourself these questions:
“What would it be like to be him?”
“What are her worries, struggles, or concerns?”
“What can I do to be more helpful?”
Or“If I was to give my whole heart to him or her, what would occur to me to do?”
As you quietly listen inside, AND act on the feelings and answers in your own relationships with others, you’ll begin to see and feel a real difference.
Please take a moment to like, share, and leave a comment on this video. I am on a mission to help people build better relationships and improve their lives.