Three Essential Needs
Do you remember when your child was first born? It was probably a time filled with all kinds of emotions ranging from anxiety and excitement to worry and joy, and maybe even some postpartum blues or depression.
And while the experiences and emotions may be different for new parents, there are some things that are universally the same for all children born–and they don’t just disappear. These are the same 3 needs we have as adults. I call these the 3 essential needs for surviving and thriving in this world.
First, every one of us is born with the need to feel SAFE. This is about both physical and emotional safety. So this is about having our basic living and survival needs met –food, clothing, sleep, a safe place to live, work, pay the bills, and so on. We need to live without fear of control, abuse, violence, manipulation, and so on, but also feel financially safe.
As children morph and turn into teenagers, they have the need to do things on their own, to develop their own identity, make their own choices, and become their own person.
But they still need emotional safety, which is about respect and acceptance, not feeling judged and criticized and yelled at, and they need a safe environment to share very personal and vulnerable parts of themselves and feel validated and understood. A place where they can ask questions and explore their world without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.
The second need we all have is the need for Satisfaction. For children, this is about having fun, experiencing pleasure, excitement, popularity, and lots of “stuff” –the latest gadgets, phones, clothes, video games, fast cars, fast food, candy, music, movies, social media and more. For teens this is often about risky behaviors and doing silly things in hopes of going viral. It’s about the high and thrill that comes with danger.
But this need for satisfaction is also met by helping or serving others, finding and championing a cause, learning something new, it’s about turning outward and feeling fulfilled by contributing to something higher than yourself. So it’s not just about me and pleasure, but feeling satisfied by a job well done.
The third desire and need we all have is Connection. We’re all born with this longing for belonging, this craving for connection with other people. When children are first born, science shows it’s critical for babies to attach to a caregiver.
This emotional bonding is powerful for both the baby and the parent or caregiver. As children grow, sometimes parents feel sad that they don’t express their love the same way, they don’t want to hug or kiss you in public, they often prefer their friends over family, BUT they still have a need for social connection and relationships. And believe it or not, most teens still crave your support and want you to watch and be therefor them, especially in tough times.
Sometimes they meet this need for connection through social media and getting “Likes” on their “kissy-face” selfies, or posting things in hopes of getting reactions and comments. This need to feel accepted and connected is powerful, and sometimes we’ll do crazy things to meet this need, even illegal or immoral things. Teens will join gangs to feel safe and accepted, or do drugs or drink to get approval from others and to fit in.
But when we learn to see the world from our children’s eyes, we’ll better understand their world and that they do things to meet their needs –even if it just temporarily meets their needs.
So let’s come back to your memories of your child being born. Most of us had no idea, while we’re holding that little baby in our arms, about all the emotional roller coasters we’d be riding through on this parenting journey. This parenting thing is not easy. To raise miniature people into adults takes work and learning, and compassion, and sacrifice, and some thick skin and patience when they get mouthy. Remember, children (and adults) do things for reasons that make sense to them. We might see it as ridiculous and breaking rules, but they do what they do most of the time, to meet their needs. And as we help them find their own way, their path in life, remember the 3 needs of safety, satisfaction, and connection.
So as a parent, it’s important to take a break, take some deep breaths, commit to taking care of yourself and your needs so you can tackle the needs of your kiddos.
They need parents who can provide these needs and experiences for them, helping them get what they want in life, in ways that you feel good about. And that’s one of the great purposes of parenting.