7 Simple Ways To Build Connection With Your Spouse
Did you know that 93% of our communication is nonverbal? Today on Thrive in 5 I’ll share 7 simple ways to create better connections with others and even a couple of things that definitely turn people away.
A quick recap of our 3 needs for surviving and thriving in life. We all need to feel Safe, Satisfied, and Connected. And in another video I share all about the benefits of social connections for our physical and mental health and today I’ll share some simple things you can do to create better connections starting today.
Let’s jump right in:
Smiling. It’s such a simple thing but only about one-third of adults smile more than 20 times per day, and about 14% smile less than 5 times per day. But when you are with people, one of the first things they look at is your smile and we all make quick snap judgements of people who look ornery and cranky. So practice the 10-5 rule. It’s pretty simple. When you are within 10 feet of someone, smile. And when you are within 5 feet, say hello or ask how they’re doing.
Plus, smiling is not only contagious, but studies show that people who smile are more attractive! So smile more at home and when you’re out and about!
Give honest and sincere appreciation. I’m pretty sure most of us love to feel appreciated. So when you feel gratitude for something or someone, let them know. In fact, here’s a challenge I like to give people, it’s called Text Two Before 10. Try texting two people before 10am a few times every week. Even schedule it in your calendar. And in your text, thank someone for what they have done for you. The more specific, the better. Do it consistently and watch what happens. So if you want more friends and stronger friendships? Think to thank!
Use people’s first name. It’s been said that to a person, their name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language. But if you’re like me, I tend to forget people’s names within 10 seconds of them telling me, so I have to make a conscious effort to repeat it in my mind or even think about other people I know with that name to help me. You could practice by reading nametags of checkers at the grocery store and include their name when you thank them or ask about their day. And of course, when you bump into somebody at the store or in your child’s classroom at school, don’t be afraid to say, “Will you remind me of your name?” It works!
Be a good listener. People like people who genuinely listen to what they say. And be sure to listen, not just with your ears, but with your eyes and body. Giving short cues such as, “uh-huh” “really?” and “wow” let people know you not only hear what they are saying, but you’re interested. You can even ask follow-up questions to show awareness and interest.
Talk and ask about them more than about you. If you know the person fairly well, think about what is going on in their lives. Did their son break his arm in recent weeks? Did they return from a vacation recently? Is there a big event coming up? If you can, ask specific questions about their lives, families, and other things you would like to know more about or follow up with. Even when you have major news you just can’t wait to explode and share, try to first ask them questions and be genuinely interested in exciting news they might be wanting to share.
Goldilocks it! This is all about gauging not only what you share but the amount you talk with people and not over or under sharing. This takes some self-awareness and self-control. Sharing too much about your personal life, or the 3 Ms -your mental health, your money, or your marriage may not be appropriate, and even scare people away.
And pay attention to how much you talk. Like me, you may have had that experience at the grocery store where you see someone and avoid them at all costs because you’ll get stuck talking forever. Most people find it overwhelming and even exhausting when someone yacks for 10 minutes straight in the same breath.
On the other hand, you may find it really tough to talk with people and not like social situations. For example, a class party at your child’s school. If you avoid people and just mumble a “hi” and look away. Then it’s awkward. Like way awkward.
So it really is good to find a balance and talk more or less, depending on the situation and who you’re with.
Compliment and Comment. I think most people enjoy a sincere compliment, whether it’s a new hair cut ora delicious meal. This requires noticing and paying attention to others rather than focusing on yourself. The same principle holds true on social media. You can create and strengthen connections by liking posts and leaving positive comments that don’t stir things up or get controversial, especially on hot topics in your comments. Those will drive others away pretty fast.
And here’s a bonus tip. I call it “refraining from complaining.” Criticizing, condemning and complaining are a big turn off, so watch yourself when it comes to those 3 C’s.
I think one of the key principles is this. Creating better connections is mostly about turning outward instead of thinking of yourself.
I hope these tips have been helpful. For more tips, I highly recommend a great book by Dale Carnegie called How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s an oldie but a goodie –packed with all kinds of great tips, that we can tweak and adjust a bit for our digital age.
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