Parenting Children Ages 2-6: When My Child Hits
Take a moment to picture this scene: Your four-year-old son wants to show you the block tower he’s made, but before you’re able to come look, his baby sister comes over to play and knocks the tower down! You arrive just in time to see your son push his sister away, and your daughter falls and bursts into tears on the floor.
Oh boy, not good! So what do you do?
on today’s Thrive in 5 I’m excited to share some Parenting Tips for Kids 2-6 that can help with those stressful times when your kiddos hit, kick, push, pinch, or bite a chunk out of another child.
Okay, let’s think back to that scenario with the little boy pushing his younger sister.
It’s not an unusual thing for kids to do at this age, in fact, it’s pretty normal and common, but of course you want him to know that it’s not okay! You probably want him to learn to take responsibility, make amends, and do better in the future. With emotions running high all around, it can be a tough spot to be in as a parent!
But how we respond, rather than react, to situations like this can either help or make things worse in the long run. This is one area of parenting where it’s really important to remember: as we build healthy RELATIONSHIPS with our kids, they will be more open to our correction! We need to build connection, and THEN we can more effectively direct and correct our kiddos’ behavior.
Of course, this doesn’t mean letting your kids get away with things like pushing! But it’s helpful to keep that big picture in mind as we set boundaries, keep everyone as safe as possible, and help our children understand that violence is not acceptable. The key here is when they feel connected to you, they’ll be more open to learning other options for handling those strong feelings and tough situations!
So Dr. Dave! What do I do!? Well here’s a few basic tips that can help you with those goals:
Keep in mind that your child probably isn’t TRYING to be bad or mean. They’re still learning to understand and regulate their feelings, and they don’t have a lot of problem-solving experience yet. So when they hit or push, it’s probably their way of expressing themselves and asking for help and getting their needs met! That doesn’t make it okay, of course, but it’s important to remember that they probably WANT to get along with others and figure out better ways to handle hard emotions. They just don’t know HOW, sometimes! So they need your help to learn.
It takes time and a ton of practice for kiddos to learn how to use their words or find other ways to problem-solve in high-emotion situations. So try to be patient with them, and with yourself. Remind yourself that learning these skills is a process, and it will go better if you try to look at things from their perspective.
PREVENT problems when you can. For example, when your child is tired or hungry, it’s probably not the best time to have them play with other kids. Think about it: when YOU’RE tired and hungry, it’s hard to respond well when people aren’t nice to you! Right!? So it’s probably even harder for your kiddos to do so! Things like cutting playdates short or packing some extra snacks for long outings can help.
Take ACTION without insult. Sometimes you’ll need to physically intervene to keep people safe, maybe grabbing or blocking the child to protect someone. Be careful what you say when you do so! Rather than telling them that they are bad or mean, give information that teaches your values, such as “It’s not okay to hit!”, or strongly express your feelings, such as “It makes me sad when you hurt your sister!”
Focus on the BEHAVIOR without attacking your child’s CHARACTER. This will help you maintain a healthy connection with them and help them be more open to correction.
Help your child calm down and feel safe. This can include you making eye contact with them and taking some deep breaths together to bring their heart rate back to normal and help clear their mind. Or maybe you hold them or take them to another room where they can have some quiet time for a few minutes. It’s important to not try and teach our child a lesson when they are experiencing strong emotions. Remember: emotions must be understood before behavior can be improved.
TEACH your child and SHOW them how to be kind. Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “Even though you know there’s no pushing allowed, it can be frustrating to have little sisters ruin something you worked hard on. You were really mad at her for knocking down your tower, huh? ”Then work together to come up with ideas for making amends to whoever they hurt and for other ways they might solve similar problems in the future. For example, you might say something like, “I think your sister was pretty sad when she was knocked down. What do you think you could do next time when you get frustrated with her, instead of pushing or hitting?”
Bonus tip. Be mindful of what you may unintentionally teach your kiddos when you respond to their violent behavior! For example, if your daughter pinches someone and you pinch her to show her what it feels like, you’re actually teaching her that it’s okay to pinch! And if you call her a “bad girl,” it may make her more RESENTFUL than REMORSEFUL. Not only that, but she might believe that she really IS bad, so what’s the point of trying to be nice? It can be tricky to keep these kinds of things in check when YOU are also upset, but keep trying! Getting our own hearts right is half the battle!
To summarize the five tips of the day:
Look at things from your child’s point of view and remember that it’s a process to learn better behaviors;
Prevent problems when possible;
Take action without insult;
Help your child calm down and feel safe; and
Teach and show your child how to be kind.
There’s a lot that can be said about this tricky parenting subject, but these tips are a great place to start!
Here’s some of my favorite books when it comes to little children –
So give this video a like, share it with a friend, and leave a comment about how you handle strong emotions and hitting in your household.