Betrayal Trauma: Finding Hope After Infidelity | Dave Jones | #126
Betrayal trauma represents one of the most devastating experiences a person can face in a relationship. On our recent podcast episode, we spoke with David Jones, a licensed marriage and family therapist from St. George, Utah, who specializes in helping couples recover from infidelity and betrayal trauma. His insights shed light on why betrayal causes genuine trauma and how healing is possible for both individuals and relationships.
When a partner is unfaithful or betrays our trust in significant ways, it creates what Jones describes as "an alteration of reality." This simple yet profound definition helps explain why betrayal is so traumatic - it fundamentally changes our understanding of what we thought was real. "I thought I had this safe relationship, and then it turns out it wasn't," Jones explains. This alteration of reality often creates symptoms that parallel those of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, including intrusive thoughts, avoidance behaviors, and negative changes in mood and cognition.
What makes betrayal trauma unique compared to other traumas is that the person often has ongoing contact with the source of their trauma. As Jones points out, "When I'm working with a couple and they're trying to heal from one partner's betrayal, they might be sitting next to the source of their trauma." This creates an especially challenging healing environment, as the betrayed partner is regularly re-exposed to triggers while simultaneously trying to rebuild trust and intimacy.
For couples seeking healing, Jones offers a practical framework he calls "the three legs of the stool." The first leg represents boundaries - physical, communicative, and sexual walls that keep the relationship safe. Jones uses the metaphor of a block wall with gates: "Sometimes we've got to open up gates if we're going to connect, we can shut them quickly if we need to, but let's risk a little bit." The second leg combines individual coping skills and self-care, addressing both reactive moments when trauma triggers arise and proactive lifestyle choices that build resilience. The third leg focuses on connections - having supportive people and resources available during the healing journey.
This framework applies whether couples stay together or separate. For those who choose to end the relationship, the boundaries with the former partner become stronger, and the connection resources shift away from that individual. However, the basic needs for healing remain consistent regardless of relationship status.
One of the most important insights Jones shared concerns the timeline for healing. When couples ask how long recovery will take, he sometimes responds with a somewhat provocative question: "How long was the betrayal happening?" The point isn't that healing takes exactly as long as the betrayal, but rather that recovery is a significant journey measured in months and years, not days and weeks. This perspective helps set realistic expectations for the process.
Jones also emphasized the distinction between forgiveness and trust. While forgiveness can be a personal choice to release bitterness, trust must be earned over time through consistent, trustworthy behavior. Rushing forgiveness without understanding this distinction can short-circuit the healing process and create additional problems down the road.
The most hopeful message from our conversation was Jones' firm belief that healing is possible. "That's what excites me most about doing this work," he shared. "People can recover from this. It happens every week on my couch." While the journey isn't easy and includes many ups and downs, couples who commit to the process often find deeper connection and vulnerability than they had before. The betrayal becomes part of their story rather than defining their entire relationship.